Goku's Weight Problem
by MrTennek
Summary: After gaining over 1000 pounds due to his horrible diet, Goku is forced by his family and friends to go on an excrutiating weight loss plan before he bites the dust!


DBZ - Goku's Weight Problem Narrator - Over the past two months, Goku has been doing nothing but sitting at home and eating Baloney; and now it's starting to catch up with him. He now weighs 1200 pounds, and Chichi is starting to get p'oed with him (whats new.

(at Goku's house)  
Goku - (watching TV and eating a baloney sandwich)

Chichi - (walks in) Goku, you have to get out and get some exercise! Your just getting fat sitting here constantly!

Goku - (with his mouth full) Well...you see Chichi, I would, but I can't move anymore!

Chichi - (sarcastic) Yeah, good one Goku!

Goku - (with his mouth still full) I'm serious Chichi; I haven't moved from this chair for one month now!

Chichi - What about going to the toilet?

Goku - Well...I just go in my pants!

Chichi - (looks violently ill)

Gohan - No wonder the living room smells like crap!

Chichi - That's it, Goku! I can't take it anymore! You are going on some sort of diet!  
This 'all baloney' diet of yours isn't helping your obesity!

Goku - Obes-a-whaty?

Chichi - I'm going to get rid of all the baloney in this house and replace it with healthier foods! Like vegetables, soy meat, fruit...

Goku - NO! NOT THE BALONEY! (tries to get up, but can't) Damn this fat, DAMN THIS FAT TO HELL!

(in the kitchen)  
Chichi - (looks in the fridge) My God! There must be enough baloney here to feed one hundred men!

(loud flatulent noises from the living room)

Goku - (from the living room) Holy crap, that was a bad one!

Gohan - Mom, you gotta do something! That smell is becoming toxic!

Chichi - Well...I'm going to go to the grocery store and get some healthy food and some depends for your father. As for the smell, call the fumigator.

Gohan - Right. (leaves)

Goku - (from the living room) I don't think my pants can handle anymore!

(loud flatulent noises)

Goku - (from the living room) Oh God, the couch...

Chichi - (crying) Not my leather couch.

(at Vegeta's house)  
Vegeta - (reading a newspaper)

(deafening flatulent noises)

Bulma - My God! What the hell was that!

Vegeta - (still reading the newspaper) Kakarot; the fat, smelly bastard.

(back at Goku's house)  
Goku - Psst, Gohan!

Gohan - Huh, what?

Goku - Look, while your mothers gone, go out the corner store and fetch me some baloney, will ya?

Gohan - I'm sorry Dad, but I can't do that!

Goku - Why you little-- If I could move, I would give you the beating of a lifetime!

Gohan - It's your own fault that your so damned obese!

Goku - O-what? Anyways, turn the TV on for me, I wanna watch Teletubies!

Gohan - Sorry Dad, but I have to call the Fumigator. (leaves)

Goku - GOHAN!...No...I can't miss the Teletubies...Hey! Maybe I can turn the TV on using my power! (concentrates power on TV)

(long silence)

(TV explodes)

Goku - Ah, Christ!

(in the kitchen)  
Gohan - (on the phone) Hello? Is this the Fumigator?

Man - Yes it is; what is your problem?

Gohan - I need you to send someone over 120th street, house number 2341, and hurry!

Man - Is this an emergency?

Gohan - Yes, it is!

Man - What's the emergency?

Gohan - My father's gas!

Man - Okay.

(at Vegeta's house)  
Bulma - How do you know that that was Goku's gas!

Vegeta - (still reading a newspaper) You see Bulma, over all the years of having to be around Kakarot and his horrific gas, I've managed to memorize what his gas is like. It's loud, smelly and extremely toxic; one could compare it to toxic fumes!

Bulma - Huh...

Vegeta - Now you should probably close all the windows and get under a table quickly!

Bulma - What? Why?

Vegeta - Fallout from Kakarot's gas! It's like a nuclear explosion!

(the house suddenly starts to violently shake)

Vegeta - (still reading the newspaper) That fat, stupid bastard.

(at Krillin's house)  
Krillin - (watching)

News Reporter - That noise that was just heard moments ago is now believed to have been a nuclear explosion! The blast seemed to come from 120th street, downtown. Citizens are being warned to seek shelter from the blasts fallout...

Krillin - Jesus H Christ Goku.

(back at Goku's house)  
Goku - (singing) My baloney has a first name, it's G-O-K-U, my baloney has a second name, it's G-O-K-U,  
my baloney has a third name, it's G-O-K-U, my balo-- (starts crying) My baloney...I WANT MY BALONEY!

Gohan - For the love of--

(there is a knock on their door)

Gohan - Thank God, their finally here... (walks towards door)

Goku - What? Who's here? Is it Barney?

Gohan - (opens the door) Hello, you must be the Fumigator!

Man - (wearing a chemical suit) Man alive, there are men alive in here? How did you two survive the nuclear blast?

Gohan - (confused) Nuclear bla-- Oh, no! That was just my fathers gas!

Man - (confused) How in the hell...

Goku - (angrily) Your not Barney!

Man - Anyways, it's important that both of you get out of here immediately! I'm getting an extremely high radioactive reading in this house!

Goku - Do you have any baloney? (the chair that he's sitting on collapses)

Gohan - It's too late for him; no machine could carry a man of his weight out of here!

Goku - (with a strained face) Oh God...I feel another one coming...

Gohan - GET DOWN!

(humongous flatulent explosion)

Man - SH!

(at Vegeta's house)  
Vegeta - (notices a bright flash in the distance) My God, does that fat bastard have a never ending supply of gas?

(back at Goku's house...er...the remains of Goku's house)  
Goku - All that baloney really gave me the wind!

Gohan - (covered in debris) I can't stand living here...

Man - (dead)

Gohan - Ah, Christ...

Chichi - (gets home) MY GOD, WHAT HAPPENED TO MY HOUSE!

Gohan - Goku happened; that's what.

Chichi - Well anyways, I got lots of healthy food for you to eat Goku!

Goku - There is no way in hell that I'm going to eat that food! I'd rather starve to death!

Chichi - Oh, you will eat it...I'll make sure of it...

Goku - (laughing) Yeah! I'd like to see that!

(ten minutes later)  
Chichi - (walks in) Goku, your right, I can't make you eat the food that I brought you, so...I made you another baloney sandwich!

Goku - I knew you'd come to your senses!

Chichi - (gives Goku the sandwich) Enjoy!

Goku - I will! (takes a bite) Hmmm...this baloney tastes strange...MUH! (spews the food out onto the floor)

Chichi - WHAT ARE YOU--

Goku - I KNEW IT! SOY MEAT! THE MEAT OF THE DEVIL!

Chichi - Dammit.

(ten minutes later, in the kitchen)  
Gohan - Hey! I have an idea!

Chichi - What?

Gohan - Everyone knows how much Goku loves his baloney smoothies!

Chichi - And?

Gohan - How about we make him a fruit smoothie and see if he notices!

Chichi - Hmmm...that's a good idea.

(five minutes later)  
Chichi - Here's the smoothie Gohan! Go and give it to him!

Gohan - Right! (leaves)

Chichi - ...

Gohan - (in the living room) Here dad!

(long silence)

Goku - SON OF A BITCH!

(loud spewing noises)

Chichi - ...

Gohan - (walks in covered in a mixture of froot smoothie and saliva) It didn't work.

(ten minutes later)  
Goku - (whistling to himself)

Gohan - (sneaks up behind him and sticks something into Goku's arm)

Goku - OW! WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT! (looks over)

Gohan - Uh...nothing?

(in the kitchen)  
(loud crashing noises)

Chichi - ...

Gohan - (walks in covered in bruises) The whole 'feed him the food intravenously' plan didn't work.

(one hour, and many failed attempts later)  
Chichi - That's it, I give up; there is no possible way to get your father to eat anything healthy!

Gohan - So that's it? Your just going to give up?

Chichi - (sighs) I have no choice...

Gohan - Well...luckily for us, I have a backup plan...

Chichi - Hmm? What's that?

Gohan - I'm going to call a certain someone; someone who can almost certainly whip father back into shape!

Chichi - Who's that?

Gohan - (laughs) You'll see... (picks up the phone)

(at Vegeta's house)  
Vegeta - ('still' reading a newspaper)

(phone rings)

(long silence)

Vegeta - (looks at Bulma)

(phone continues to ring)

Vegeta - (sighs angrily) I'll get it! (picks the phone up) Hello?

Gohan - Hello Vegeta!

Vegeta - Gohan, what an unpleasent surprise!

Gohan - Look, I didn't call just to have you insult me--

Vegeta - Then why?

Gohan - Are you doing anything for the next week?

Vegeta - Aside from reading a newspaper; no.

Gohan - Good; then I have a favor to ask!

Vegeta - I don't owe you any damned favors!

Gohan - Just let me finish! As you already know, my father has put on a lot of weight...

Vegeta - Yeah; he's a freakin' porker!

Gohan - Yeah, so anyways we have tried 'everything' to make him lose weight, but nothing has been effective. So...I called to ask you...if you could become...his personal trainer!

Vegeta - (starts laughing loudly) You expect me to spend one week of my life with my arch-enemy and help him lose weight! I'd rather eat my own diarhea!

Gohan - Please just do it Vegeta! His weight is getting out of control!

Vegeta - Why do you want me to do it? Why don't you get him someone else to do it?

Gohan - Because, all the other personal trainers that we got for him, ran off screaming as soon as they say him!

Vegeta - There is no way in hell that I'm going to help him!

Gohan - If you don't, I'll have my father let another one rip! And he'll keep on doing it until you help him!

Vegeta - Grr-- Dammit! Persuaded by Kakarots gas...something I never fathomed would happen...

Gohan - Well?...

Vegeta - (frustratedly) FINE! I'll be over there by 1:00pm tomorrow!

Gohan - (clears his throat)

Vegeta - Ugh! Fine, 12:00pm!

Gohan - (clears his throat again)

Vegeta - Fine, FINE, 9:00pm!

Gohan - Sounds good Vegeta; see ya tomorrow! (hangs up)

Vegeta - (hangs his phone up) Son of a bitch...I can't believe this! (walks away)

Bulma - ...

Vegeta - (trips over something and falls down a flight of stairs) OW!

Bulma - (laughs)

(later on, in Vegeta's house, at night)  
Vegeta - (sleeping)

Bulma - (sleeping)

Vegeta - (having a nightmare) No...fat...bastard...Kakarot...baloney...gas...NO!  
(suddenly wakes up sweating) Ah, Christ...it was just a dream...

Goku - (laying beside Vegeta) Or was it?

Vegeta - (screams and wakes up from another nightmare) Damned fat bastard is even harassing me in my sleep!

(at Goku's house, at night)  
Chichi - Are you coming to bed Goku?

Goku - (waddles in) I'm trying to...It took me five hours just to get from the couch to my bedroom...

Chichi - Well, starting tomorrow, your going to start losing all of that weight!

Goku - Right...(hops into bed)

(the entire bed collapses and Goku falls through the floor)

(the next morning)  
Goku - (sitting at the breakfast table) My God, what a night...

Chichi - (making breakfast)

Goku - I had to sleep on the couch, but even that gave out and collapsed. So I just ended up sleeping on the floor...

Gohan - You know...you think all that fat of yours would cushion you! (laughs)

Chichi - (laughs)

Goku - You little punk! (tries to hit him but falls out of his chair and crashes onto the ground)

Chichi - Gohan, help your father back into his special 'load bearing' chair!

Gohan - Yes mom. (tries to help Goku up) God...what a weight...

Chichi - Now what would you two like for breakfast?

Gohan - I'll just have some ham and eggs.

Chichi - Goku?

Goku - Uh...I'll have five steaks, ten chickens, two loaves of bread, ten pounds of baloney, five pounds of flour, twenty pork chops, two turkeys, ten slices of ham, twenty eggs...

Chichi - ...

Goku - ...four pounds of sugar, five ducks, one hundred slices of bacon, five baloney smoothies...

Chichi - ...

Gohan - ...

Goku - ...five dogs, twenty two cats, some chinese food, those little thingies that they serves you in chinese restaurants, you know those...uh...spring rolls, and with lots of gristle!

Gohan - But dad, you already have lots of gristle on you! (laughs)

Chichi - (laughs)

Goku - That's it! I'm gonna beat the crap outta-- (falls out of his chair again) Dammit!

Gohan - (still laughing)

Chichi - (still laughing)

Goku - You lousy jerks! ARGH! (has a heartattack) Help me!

Gohan - (laughing even harder)

Chichi - (laughing uncontrollably)

(at Vegeta's house)  
Vegeta - (getting dressed) I cannot believe that I agreed to do this...

Bulma - What exactly are you supposed to do?

Vegeta - I am supposed to help Kakarot shed off one ton of fat in one week! I am only one man! How the hell am I supposed to do something like that?

Bulma - How about if I come along too?

Vegeta - I wouldn't recommend it Bulma; we're talking about a 1200 pound man who hasn't eaten for days; he could be dangerous...And anyways, I have to get going now! Uh...where is my beating stick?

Bulma - Right here Vegeta. (hands it to him)

Vegeta - (laughs) This is for if Kakarot disobeys my orders! (starts to walk out of the room)

Bulma - Poor Goku...

Vegeta - (trips over something and falls down a flight of stairs) OW!

Bulma - (laughs) I never get tired of seeing that.

(at Goku's house)  
Goku - (waiting for Vegeta outside the house) Ah...fresh air...

Gohan - Dad, your enhaling fumes from a truck.

Goku - What? (starts violently coughing) Oh...right...Now where the hell is that Vegeta, I'm starving!

Gohan - Dad, you just ate five steaks, ten chickens, two loaves of bread, ten pounds of baloney, five pounds of flour, twenty pork chops, two turkeys, ten slices of ham, twenty eggs, four pounds of sugar, five ducks,  
one hundred slices of bacon, five baloney smoothies, five dogs, twenty two cats, some chinese food, those little thingies that they serves you in chinese restaurants, you know those...uh...spring rolls, and lots of gristle!

Goku - Yeah I know, that wasn't enough food.

Gohan - ...

Goku - I should go and eat some more...

Gohan - No dad! Remember, your trying to lose weight!

Goku - I have no weight to lose! I'm as healthy as I was two months ago!

Gohan - Dad, you suffered twenty-two heartattacks this morning just from walking across the kitchen!

Goku - Yeah...well...it's a pretty big kitchen!

(Vegeta then drives by and parks)

Gohan - It's about time Vegeta!

Vegeta - Give me a break! Traffic was hell-- (notices Goku) MY GOD!

Goku - Hi Vegeta!

Vegeta - I'm doomed...

Goku - So...when are we gonna start the training?

Vegeta - Might as well start now...

Gohan - Good luck Dad!

Goku - Thanks son!

Gohan - Your gonna need it...

Goku - WHY YOU LITTLE-- (has another heartattack) GAHH!

(ten minutes, and five heatattacks later)  
Vegeta - Can we start now?

Goku - Yeah...I guess...So what are we going to be doing?

Vegeta - Well, the first exercise that I've decided for you, is jogging!

Goku - Is that some kind of food?

Vegeta - (angrily) I want you to jog one block; anyone, no matter how fat they are, could jog one block! It's the easiest exercise your gonna have!

Goku - But I don't want to!

Vegeta - How about this, if you do what I say, I'll make you a baloney sandwich!

Goku - GREAT!

Vegeta - Okay then, start jogging.

Goku - Right! (starts jogging)

(moments later)  
Goku - (collapses to the ground breathing heavily) Whoa! What a workout! I'm pooped!

Vegeta - YOU ONLY JOGGED THREE FEET!

Goku - Yeah, I know! I really overexerted myself...

Vegeta - My God man, maybe you are really beyond help!

Goku - (crying) Oh, it's hopeless! I'm never going to lose all of this flab! (sobbing)

Vegeta - GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF, YOU FAT, STUPID BASTARD! (grabs him) You are a disgrace to the Saiyan race! Now get up and run until your fat ass can't take it anymore, you fat son of a bitch!

Goku - (stops crying) Your right! I'm gonna do it! I'm gonna run that whole block, even if it kills me!

Vegeta - Good, NOW DO IT!

Goku - RIGHT! After I take a one hour break! (smiles nervously)

Vegeta - For the love of-

(one hour later)  
Vegeta - I think you've rested long enough, Kakarot!

Goku - Yeah...I guess...

Vegeta - Now let's get back to work!

Goku - Right! But first I have to take a dump!

Vegeta - FORGET ABOUT YOUR DAMNED DUMPS AND START RUNNING!

Goku - Right! Okay, here I go! The whole block this time!

Vegeta - That's more like it!

Goku - (jogs four feet and then collapses)

Vegeta - WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT!

Goku - (on the floor) I think I'm having another heartattack!

Vegeta - (screams)

(one hour and a heartattack later, at the local gym)  
Vegeta - Okay, maybe jogging wasn't the smartest idea for you!

Goku - You got that right!

Vegeta - Here, try this, it's called a 'treadmill'; you just get on, and walk!

Goku - Sounds easy enough! (gets on and the whole treadmill is crushed under his weight) Oops!

Vegeta - For Christs sake-

(five minutes and a big fine later)  
Vegeta - Alright, let's summarize what we've learned today; you can't jog, walk, or do any type of exercise!

Goku - Yep!

Vegeta - So...there is only one thing left for you...and that is: lifting weights!

Goku - Sounds easy enough!

Vegeta - We'll start you off with lighter weights and then work our way up!

Goku - Okee-dokee!

Vegeta - Here, try this one; it's a five pounder.

Goku - Sure thing! (tries to lift it but ends up breaking his arm) MY ARM!

Vegeta - This is fing ridicoulous.

(one hour and one arm-cast later)  
Vegeta - I give up Kakarot! I have no ideas left! Your doomed to being a fat, stupid bastard for the rest of your damned life, you son of a bitch!

Goku - You really swear a lot, ya know?

Vegeta - I know; I have Tourettes!

Goku - Great...so I have to live the rest of my life a fat, hideous, and gassy freak!

Vegeta - Well...have you considered Liposuction?

Goku - I don't know what that is, but I don't want anything sucking on me!

Vegeta - It's a procedure where they suck the fat out of you.

Goku - THEY CAN DO THAT? Then why the hell have I been wasting my time with you, when I could have had this procedure done?

Vegeta - Because 9 out of 10 people die from it--

Goku - That's it, i've decided it; I'm going to the Vet!

Vegeta - Uh...you get it done at the hospital...

Goku - Oh! Then that's it, i've decided it; I'm going to the Hospital! Uh...what's a hospital?

Vegeta - Your doomed.

(one hour later, at the hospital)  
Goku - (walks into the hospital)

Vegeta- (walks into the hospital)

Goku - Hello, where do people go to get Liposucked?

Receptionist - (screams and runs away)

Vegeta - (chuckles)

Goku - Shut up! It isn't funny!

Vegeta - Anyways, I think it's on the third floor.

Goku - How do you know that?

Vegeta - Bulma had to come here a month ago; she was eating too much and had become a real freakin' porker!

Goku - Huh; well it's nice to know that she was just like me at one time!

Vegeta - She only weighed 370; you weigh 1200!

Goku - Don't forget that a lot of that is muscle! Just looked at these ab's of mine!

Vegeta - They look more like 'flabs.

(in the doctors office)  
(Goku and Vegeta walk into the Liposuction office)

Goku - Hi there Doc! I'd like to be Liposucked!

Doctor - My God! How much do you weigh?

Goku - Uh...500 pounds?

Vegeta - (clears his throat)

Goku - Okay...800 pounds...

Vegeta - (punches Goku in the arm)

Goku - Fine...1200 pounds!

Doctor - Man alive, I don't even know if the Liposuctor can handle that kind of weight! The most it ever removed was 550 pounds! And even if it can remove all of that weight, you'll still have a grotesque amount of loose skin hanging off of your--

Goku - Look, I don't give a flying crap, just Liposuck me already!

Doctor - It's not that easy sir! First, I'm going to set up an appointment with you, then I'm going to have to prepare the Liposuctor, then you need to sign several contracts, then--

Goku - Just do it already!

Vegeta - Look, doctor; I don't think that it's a smart idea to upset this fat bastard; first of all, he weighs more than four times your own weighed, and he's starting to get pissed off! So just Liposuction him before things get ugly!

Doctor - Uh...yes sir...Mr. Fat Bastard?

Goku - The name is Goku!

Doctor - Oh...uh, sorry! Mr. Goku, please lay down on the table infront of you.

Vegeta - Is that a load-bearing table?

Doctor - Yes, it can handle up to 5000 pounds!

Goku - (lays down) Start the suctioning!

Doctor - First, I'm going to have to gas you. You can't be awake for this operation.

Vegeta - No need to gas him; he has an endless supply of gas!

(loud flatulent noises)

Vegeta - See?

Doctor - God almighty, that reeks! (gases him)

Goku - (falls asleep)

Doctor - (grabs a scalpel) Okay, now to cut into him... (tries to cut into him, but the scalpel breaks in half)  
My God! The fat is so thick that I can't even cut through it! Well...I guess I'll just have to start suctioning him the way he is! Sir, your going to have to leave the room.

Vegeta - I was going to anyway; the last thing that I ever want to see if fat being suctioned out of Kakarot!

(a few minutes later)  
Doctor - Alright nurse, turn on the Liposuctor.

Nurse - Yes Doctor. (turns the machine on)

Doctor - Okay, this is not going to be an easy job...turn it to maximum!

Nurse - But Doctor--

Doctor - Yes, I know...that setting has enough power to shred any normal man to pieces; but this man is no normal man...

Nurse - Yes Doctor...(turn's it to maximum)

(long silence)

Nurse - Doctor?

Doctor - What?

Nurse - The man's fat; it's overloading the system!

Doctor - (looks at the machine) GOD ALMIGHTY!

(in the reception area)  
Vegeta - (reading a magazine)

(a loud explosion and screams come from the Liposuction office)

Vegeta - (still reading a magazine) That fat bastard.

(two hours later, in the Liposuction office)  
Goku - (wakes up) Oh...my...God...my ass is killing me...

Chichi - Oh, thank God your okay Goku! I was so worried about you when I heard that you had gone in for Liposuction!

Gohan - How do you feel dad?

Goku - Like I've been beaten to a pulp, crushed, and tortured; but aside from that, I feel fine!

Doctor - Well your very lucky Mr. Goku, as we were able to remove 1000 pounds of fat from your body.

Vegeta - What exactly are they going to do with all of that fat?

Doctor - What we usually do; we'll ship it off to a third-world country as food!

Chichi - Oh my God!

Goku - So that's where it all goes...

Vegeta - That's disgusting...ly funny!

Goku - Oh man...how long, doctor, until I can leave the hospital?

Doctor - It should be about one week for you to recover from the operation.

Goku - Good...

Doctor - But heed my warning Mr. Goku, you can never gain this ammount of weight again! Because if you do, I cannot Liposuction you again!

(dramatic music)

Goku - Okay.

Vegeta - Where the hell did that music come from?

Narrator - And two months later, Goku regained all of his weight, and is now currently dying a slow and painful death!  
(some ending, eh?) 


End file.
